Blog 1: Gaining Traction & Getting MESSY
SOS Tread, our training group for the Cap City Half Marathon starts today.
Oh and I’m Emily--the chick on the IG story--who said she was going to do this Tread thing. (Don’t call it a comeback...but, really, it is a comeback)
And document my journey...and get real messy in front of you guys.
WHY? Great question. (because there are dumb questions)
I’ve actually been asking myself that repeatedly since last night.
But I know the answer: I got SO tired of believing that narrative I created for myself.
The shit I would tell myself in the morning. The warring conversation. To talk myself out of that scary clocked class, that run, fill in the blank.
You’re not a morning person. You need your sleep.
Actually, Emily, that is a whole heap of BS. You used to run at least 5 miles every morning before 5:30 a.m.
You’ve got a lot going on. It’s OK that you don’t work out today.
I’ve always had a lot going on. Always. Finishing grad school, teaching full time, coaching, volunteering, training. That wasn’t a lot? You don’t even have kids, Em. Like, really you have. No. idea.
I have two dogs.
That doesn’t count.
But they’re really demanding.
Still doesn’t count.
BUT I’m planning a wedding.
Yeah. Even more reason to move your tail.
Conversation ends...with myself. Exhausting. And, somewhere towards the end of the convo, I fall asleep.
I wake up an hour later and more frustrated than refreshed.
Is that why I don’t get out of bed? Because I’m not this that or the other?
No. I know better.
But even logical Emily can’t utter what is really keeping sleepy, non-morning Emily in bed.
What is that? I don’t want to do something I’m not good at. (That’s why you won’t see me doing calculus in a pool. I don’t swim. And calculators matter.)
I don’t want to put myself out there and get messy. Look like an idiot in front of everyone.
Whoa, thought she would be faster.
Isn’t she an instructor? Shouldn’t she have her shit together? Like, really together? Mayyybbbee she should just stick to yoga.
It’s a control issue, really. But don’t worry--I’m not going to get all therapist-couch on ya.
But even worse, I don’t want to do something I used to be good at..and am no longer.
Show everyone (show MYSELF!) how out of shape I have become, how I’m no longer Boston-Marathon fit, clipping off mile repeats like it’s nothing. Riding high on Kale, chia, and other things you get a kick out of eating because you actually view your food as fuel when you’re traning that hard...
Because that isn’t me anymore. Shit happened, life felt too hard to train hard. And so I didn’t. I just quit.
Sure, I ran from time to time if people asked...I helped a friend train for her first marathon, I ran slowly through the woods.
But I haven’t trained. I haven’t pushed myself. In two years.
And now, I have to buy new running clothes.
A different size running shorts.
Even the thought of struggling through a run brought showers of embarrasment and shame for letting myself get to this place.
So, I’m just avoided it.
Because I didn’t want to compare myself for my former self. It felt too harsh. And I didn’t know how to avoid it.
So I did yoga, I walk-jogged--I wogged. I wogged a mile or two with my dog. I wogged with my dog.
And then I’d go home. And told myself this is the new me.
But, I’m tired of that story, that narrative, that same, sad narrative.
So fucking tired of it.
Because, I can still be in control. I can change it. I can give my former self a break. Be gentler to myself.
And the inspiration I’ve felt from badasses at SOS has pushed me over the edge.
I’m ready to get out there again and see what I can do.
So thank you for that. Really.
I’ll let you know how The Course goes for me today but I want to encourage you as well.
To stop whatever narrative, conversation you’re having with yourself. And put yourself out there with me. Because any day, every day, is a good day to get messy and believe in yourself.